32 & Still Soul Searching.

Wow, 32 is finally here. Two days ago, I really turned 32. I thought I had just turned 30 not too long ago? But whatever!

32 is here and I am ready for it. 30 and 31 brought me a lot of heartache, confusion, time wasted and lots of lessons. Don’t get me wrong though – those two years came with a lot of good memories as well. I remember when I wrote about turning 31. Some of my goals were to move forward and be mentally/emotionally stable and to be a better mother to my daughter.

I can honestly say that I will always work on my emotions. I don’t think I will always be in a rut, but I do know that it takes time to change. I will have to train my brain to think more positively, eliminate negativity from my life and to keep trusting the process. I am confident 2019 will bring me more joy and happiness and it will also come with many more great memories. I’ve surrounded myself with really great people within the last couple years of my life – and I’ve also left behind some that were not good for my soul. Each day I wake up and every night that I go to sleep, I talk with God (or whomever is up there watching over me). I ask for forgiveness and I ask for happiness. And each day/night, I feel like I am coming closer to what I’ve always wanted. To be happy and content with myself.

I continue to be a better mommy to my baby girl, but I know there are days where I feel as though I am being tested. Maybe it comes with her growth, as well as mine – or perhaps I need to work on my patience more. I have realized that my daughter is growing and changing every day. She has always been smart, witty, sassy and beautiful. But each day we wake up together, I look at her in awe. Like, “wow, I made this little human who turned out to be a duplicate version of me – and I am still alive.” Yes! ALIVE – BECAUSE SHE CAN DRIVE ME CRAZY! But she keeps me going and she instills faith in me every single day – even more on my worse days. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will continue to remind myself of that every time I look at her. We get along one minute and we are enemies the next. But one thing I do know is, we have unconditional love for one another. We are hard on each other because one…. she’s a kid. Kids are kids! And two… it’s because I am learning to grow with her and be more patient with myself and with others. Growing and changing on a daily basis is a lot of work! I know I am not perfect, but I do try my best to be as close to it as possible – just for her.

32 is here and I am usually not excited about my birthday, ever. But this year, I feel a little bit of excitement. Maybe because I’ve told myself not to expect so much, but instead, just live life. I have to live my life the way I want, do things for myself more often, and just be free. Full happiness will come in no time and that all depends on ME. I will continue to strive to be a better version of myself each year by making wiser decisions, letting go and taking care of myself.

Soul searching continues but it’s the best adventure I’ve ever been on.

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